Tag: relationships

In the light..

I’m not a big fan of Hallmark holidays. Some are easier to ignore than others, but not this one. This one is a blatant reminder of what I no longer have, and I know I’m not alone with these feelings.

That’s the thing about life—you aren’t guaranteed more of anything. Not time, not love, not even relationships. One day you can wake up and words left unsaid, or spoken in anger, are what remain. Echoing through an eternity of what might have been. My father’s been gone for decades now but I know that he knew how much he was loved. I’m happy I told him that. And I was never more sure of his love than in those times when I wasn’t the best daughter.

Father’s Day is joyful for some and painful for others. I think about the men in my life and am so proud of them. Amongst them are great fathers, new fathers, sons taking care of fathers. Some have lost fathers, some have lost children, some have lost dogs—you know I can’t forget the dog dads!

It takes a special person to be a father and maturity on the part of the child to understand the complexity of the relationship.

My father painted landscapes and the ones that I own are amongst my most prized possessions. And every time the shutter clicks on a landscape like the one above, I think of him.

I’m glad I didn’t only celebrate my dad on the third Sunday in June. I may not have known it in the moment but he gave my life a richness that I’m forever grateful for.

Relationships can be as transient as alpenglow in the mountains—treasure the good ones. If there isn’t balance in the relationship, if it’s predicated on you doing all the work, consider walking away. Life’s too short, spend it with the people you love. The ones whose love you never question.

Let’s talk about it…

I’m encouraged by conversations about gender and fluidity but puzzled by the lack of those concepts when it comes to the topic of abuse.

We need to stop genderizing abusers. There are good people who live by moral codes and there are bad people who exist purely to cannibalize those around themselves.

Abusive relationships are about power and control and when we make decisions about who is abusive based purely on biologically defined factors, we are minimizing abusive behavior by women.

It needs to stop—abuse does not just happen to women and when it happens to men, there’s the added price of a stigma attached.

Abuse is perpetrated in many forms and many, if not most, do not leave visible scars or bruises.

Abuse is not just a conversation for and about women, and it’s not about raising better men. Until abuse becomes a conversation for and about everyone, and its definition beyond physical becomes more universally acknowledged, we will never come close to resolving it.

Lessons learned…

A relationship must exist before you can lose it—if it never did, you’ve only lost the illusion of it.

Far more people remain in relationships that are damaging, not because they want to, but because they’ve lost sight of themselves.

A journey begins with one step.

Being in a relationship built on compatibility does not require either of you to change things about yourself.

Women, not just men, are capable of horrific things—their methods are different, and are equally damaging.

A handful of trusted family and friends is far more valuable than an army of acquaintances.

Have some great life lessons you’ve learned this year? I’d love to hear them. And to those who are celebrating, have a safe and happy holiday week-end!

She’s the sum of every molecule…

I can tell you of a place but don’t expect to find this image there. Every time you look at her, she looks different. She’s the sum of every molecule of water that has ever flowed into her.

We’re not that different—everything we see, hear, taste, feel, every moment and every event—affects us emotionally on some level and is woven into our very being.

It’s not possible to go through life unaffected by what we do and what is done to us. Some things pass through leaving a barely discernible trace, while others leave craters, a landscape forever changed.

Wisdom comes in recognizing the latter for what it is, or was, and perhaps Newton said it best, accepting that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

In a river or creek, the residence time for a molecule of water is about two weeks.

And if relationships are imbalanced, for example, you’re putting far more into one than you’re receiving from one, perhaps it’s time to let that one go—accept its residence time for what it was.

And once again, for me, the images that resonate the most, and allow for introspection, are (almost always) about the water.

I’m so sorry…

is the first thing that someone says when they hear that I’m getting divorced.

DSC_6609-2When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

Helen Rowland

I used to think that divorce was the easy way out. That it was something that you did when you no longer felt like “working” on your relationship. That it was a self-indulgent cop-out.

I’ve always been that girl who takes commitments seriously and thought that when I was 17 years old I knew what was right for me.

I thought that the issues that have always been there in that relationship would miraculously change for the better.

Year after year I lost a little bit more of who I was and found ways to cope and convince myself that staying was the right thing to do.

There were many times during that 37 year relationship that I tried to leave but always got pulled back in. I knew deep down how difficult it would be to break free so it just became easier to stay in a dysfunctional marriage.

Last December I took the first step towards righting this wrong and today, almost a year to the date, my divorce is final.

So when you see me next…don’t say “I’m so sorry” but say “congratulations, I’m so happy for you”.

This coming year will be a very special one for me. I hope to complete my book “A Legacy of Lies” and have the time to focus fully on my passion for all things photographic.

There have been many people who have made my transition possible and I am incredibly grateful to each and every one of you.

Collectively you have offered me places to stay, shoulders to lean on, and been patient when I haven’t been able to fulfill every commitment. You’ve watched over my health and reached out when the stress became almost overwhelming. You’ve shown me how to protect myself and you’ve given me my confidence back. And always through each step along the way, you’ve given me love and shown me that it’s okay to be the girl that I am.

This year has been full of unexpected twists and turns which only serve to reinforce the concept that we are never completely in control of our destiny and often the better choice is to stay fluid and roll with what comes your way.

Thank you…